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Fluffy goodness, a permanent alternative to a human companion

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By Minh Tu Ung
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Hey there. How you doin’? Are you single? And maybe too depressed to mingle? Good. Because the day of sweet, sweet love is coming. And that means it’s my prime time to shine. Who am I, you ask? Look no further from your local convenience store! See those boxes of heart-shaped chocolates? Just next to them. That’s right. I’m the furry and ever-so-fluffy cuddle companion. The carrier and guardian of delicious chocolates. And I’m here today to notify the Single Awareness Day participants that things are going to be A-OK.

Now, I know what you may be thinking. How, oh how, can I possibly survive through Valentine’s Day without drowning in my ocean of shed tears and loneliness? Well, let me tell you something. Couples aren’t the only ones who can share the love of us teddy bears. It’s not like there’s a rule at the check-out line that stops you from getting yourself a “gift” just because you don’t have someone to give it to. Don’t be silly! So put back that tub of ice cream, because we both know that all that sugar ain’t gonna get you any closer to finding somebody.

What are you going to do on Valentine’s Day anyway? Binge-watch Netflix? Hey, I’m not judging, I’m just saying that binge-watching feels a lot healthier when there’s someone there with you. So don’t be alone! Pick up your warm and fuzzy teddy bear today for a price as low as $6.89! Or, if you’re feeling extra lonely, treat yourself to a huge hyper-life-sized bear. Remember, this is for you. I’m here to make sure that you can make it through the day. Heck, why not just have my company every day? The couples may only rely on one day to share love and appreciation, but not you. That way, you won’t need any other company, right? Why put yourself out there and risk getting rejected and going through heartbreak when you can have me? There’s nothing wrong with relying on a random inanimate object for self security, right?

Look at it this way. I can be whatever you want me to be. Maybe you’re less of a love person and more of a hate? That’s fine! Pop some creepy button eyes on me and I’ll be your every day voodoo doll. I’ll listen to you, I won’t judge you. Who needs people? I can be your love. I can be your support.

So get me off that shelf! Because in actuality, you need me more than that number one boyfriend does. Don’t learn to be emotionally independent, and avoid breaking down on Valentine’s Day! Just pick me up at any of your local convenience stores for the low price of $6.89! But remember, the bigger the bear, the more the love. Couples seem to have that philosophy as well. But you don’t have to break the bank to give it all for someone else! Be alone, but not. Get a fluffy cuddle companion today!

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The Student News Site of Mililani High School
Fluffy goodness, a permanent alternative to a human companion