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Valentines for dummies: Mastering ‘The List to Valentine’s’

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By Matthew Feria
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Valentine’s Day. A couple’s best and worst day. A voyeurs field day. And everyone else’s single awareness day (S.A.D). Everyone you know has experienced S.A.D. before (except that friend you are really jealous of), so don’t feel alone! It’s time to put away your weapon! There is a way to get yourself someone to awkwardly hold hands with! I propose to you, “The List To Valentine’s!”

The first thing you should do is find that person you want as your Valentine. An important pointer: pick a human. Find someone who has a great personality, or at least has a personality if you’re desperate; no mannequins allowed. The second thing you have to do is make small talk. Your future partner isn’t going to love you as soon as you see them; it’s not as simple as meet and bend over. Small talk will make the transition to more interesting topics a lot easier, even if it takes a long time. Try things like “I saw you doing ____, I do that too,”  or “I thought your _____,  was really hot,” or “I love your butt.” Simple things like this will either make the person really interested in your uniqueness, or really creeped out, depending on which one you use.

Don’t be afraid of failure; you only have to spend Valentine’s at home curled up in a corner feeding your face to comfort yourself. When you have enough rapport over the next few days, weeks or months (if you’re really bad), you should move to more personal thoughts. Not your secret desires (not yet anyways), but maybe your hobbies, likes and dislikes, or what your future plans are. When they begin to share lots of personal things, or even drop some hints, it’s time to make your move. Ask them to be your Valentine. Don’t freak out, it’s only Valentine’s Day, (or night too if you’re lucky). And if you pull it off perfectly, you may have a “special friend” for longer.

Don’t think about it too hard; the worst thing that could happen is they never talk to you again and talk about you behind your back. Nothing much. The only concern you should have is what you are going to say. Don’t be like “Hey… um, do you wanna be my, um, Valentines?” or “BE MY VALENTINES OR DIE!” Just be cool, and ask casually, but meaningfully. If you get a yes, you have succeeded! For the poor sods who didn’t get it, you are really bad at relationships. Maybe try again next year, and practice on friends.

For those lucky ones, the final step is to actually keep your promise. The next marathon of “The Walking Dead” is no excuse to dump your partner! Show up with a present, preferably something unique over the standard bears, chocolate and balloons, but don’t bring things like dead roses. If things keep working out, maybe take the relationship further, but I can’t help you there; there’s a reason I’m single. Just remember, follow the list to get yourself the Valentine of your dreams. Your hormones command it!

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Valentines for dummies: Mastering ‘The List to Valentine’s’