Rags to riches: Black Friday ends first world problems


By Matthew Feria
[email protected]

It’s that time of year again, Black Friday, the second most wonderful time of year! The less fortunate among us finally receive the gifts they deserve. All the common shoppers around the world no longer have to empty their wallets; they can enjoy all the amenities they need to survive! The full bags constantly flow out of the stores, stores which have been so charitable, giving away their product to those who can barely get by. Those of us who only have five pairs of shoes cry no longer, they finally have 10! Those of us who barely survive with only 30 shirts now can have 50! Two cars? Now they can have four! All around the nation, the needy are getting their necessities. No longer must they grovel around like beggars, when they can live like kings!

World problem solving is also in the spirit of Black Friday; the problems that we Americans face evaporate in the face of this holiday.  On any other day, the common shopper has to deal with the constant problem of indecision, all items looking just as appealing as the rest. Every shoe looking just as good. Every dress as appealing as the rest. The common shopper no longer has to debate on which TV to buy, buying both instead! The chain that restricts the wallet has been broken, now all our desires can be appeased. Money is no longer the limit, we can obtain everything we desire.

Community togetherness is also sponsored by the event – in all night camping! The orderly line of tents is evidence of the togetherness of the local community, all of them coming together for a fun event. All the crowd jostling and yelling is merely cries of delight! The dedicated shoppers who emerge from the stores wear their broken limbs and massive scars with pride, their sign to the world that they have participated in the fun. The most committed value their bargains over life itself, like the Valley Stream event, evidence of dedication! The worker was in the way of festivities, he had to move! The common mind of the shoppers is something that should be celebrated, a beacon of light in these troubling times.

No one loses on Black Friday; everyone gets something out of the crowds. Perhaps one day the glorious hospitality can be spread to the rest of the globe, and help those without adequate shoes, outfits, TVs, and more finally get by. No longer must our eyes starve from boredom. No longer must we weep from having no matching clothes. The stores have taken it upon themselves to support the rest of the world, readily giving up their product to the needy. When the day comes to a close, the crowds disperse, most contentedly. They go home to enjoy their spoils, spoils of which are not known on any other time of year. With the help of stores and Black Friday, perhaps the problems of the first world can finally be solved.