By Reagan Paz

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Americans throughout the holiday seasons over the past several years have been faced with a central conflict: what to eat for christmas dinner, turkey or ham. It doesn’t matter whether or not all parts of the family will be present for the holiday, or if you were sure to thank everyone for the gifts they gave you, or even to spend any time with family at all. The only thing that matters is that we decide which of these extravagant meats to eat. Allow me to be your guide in making your decision. Christmas time is the time of turkey.

Sure you just had a turkey for thanksgiving, but you had a ham sandwich last week and that won’t stop you from considering eating ham for christmas dinner. It’s always the same excuse with repeating foods, “I just had that for dinner yesterday,” or “We eat that every day with our meals,” which is basically saying, “I want to eat something different every single day that I’m alive.” Come. On. Here in Hawaii, 80% of locals eat rice with nearly every meal and no one’s saying that rice is a food for the last Thursday of every eleventh month of every year and that that is the only day that it is proper to eat rice. But here’s the poor turkey being ostracized because its already been eaten once this year already.

Another thing to consider is that a turkey is bigger than a ham. Bigger is better. Always. We all know that. After all, you can stuff a chicken and a duck in a turkey and it’ll fit, but you can’t stuff anything in a ham. So why should you stuff a ham into you? Stuff the turkey in. It’s more satisfying, and it’ll keep you more full for a longer time.

Americans are also concerned with their money. It’s not about giving something nice to someone just because they love them and they deserve it, but because it’s within their price range. Turkey is within price range, especially at christmas! Hams are $2.50 per pound all the time, but turkey goes on sale after thanksgiving putting it at the low low price of $0.50 per pound! Why pay five times more for a ham? There is no reason, so buy the turkey. Buy four turkeys and eat them all for christmas because we Americans love having more than we need.

So the problem is solved. Turkeys are better than ham on any occasion, but especially on Christmas; the day where we indulge ourselves in unnecessary commodities, including extravagant dinners.