Black Friday, the number one event for all your unnecessary needs


By Mary Conner
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You there! Yes, you, the one with a hunger in your eyes that just screams, “More!” Are you looking to buy more handheld electronics for your dearests? How about a larger (and fluffier) bed for your loving lap dog or cat? What about a 3-D television set for even more at-home entertainment to keep your spouse at bay? If you’re thinking yes to any of these low-cost options, then Black Friday is the annual event you need to attend!

Every year on the day after Thanksgiving, crowds of adoring parents, hard-working individuals and anyone looking to grab early Christmas gifts swarm local retailers for special offers and marked down prices. This event has been deemed Black Friday. This not to be confused with the stock market catastrophe of 1869, nicknamed “Black Friday.”  We are fully aware that you and other Black Friday shoppers are not facing any financial downfall! Pro tip: make sure to prove your financial superiority by filling your shopping cart with all the goods you plan to take home for yourself and your loved ones when you set off on your Black Friday trip.

When preparing for your Black Friday shopping spree; leave as early as possible (Wednesday night is always the best choice) and pack camping chairs to make sure you’re first in line to get into various stores, wear gear and/or armor to protect yourself from the brutality of other shoppers (children may come in handy for this particular tip), make sure you are well fit to run back and forth from various parts of a store (it’s also helpful if you bring others along so that you can force them to run for you), bring walkie-talkies for communicating with your runners and gatherers, a cargo sized container of coffee to ensure your liveliness and ability to fend off others during the early morning shopping hours and a backpack containing three days (or more) worth of supplies in case you get lost during the chaotic fun. If you keep these tips in mind, you’re sure to get the best deals among your peers!

Don’t let rumors of death and injury keep you from going out this year! Most people come out alive, so odds are, you’ll end up leaving with great deals and only minor scrapes and bruises. But don’t worry about the risks! There are many benefits to participating in Black Friday sales. When pushing and elbowing your way through crowds of shoppers to get a couple of those $1.28 towels, you’ll get the chance to meet and greet fellow Black Friday consumers. You’ll also be able to get lots of exercise by forcing yourself into a store when they finally open the doors. On Black Friday, you’re able to learn a lot about yourself. When you and an 87-year-old woman come face to face to get the last $9.99 toaster at Walmart, you’ll have a moment of self-evaluation.

With all of this information in mind, we hope that you make the most of your Black Friday endeavors and we wish you luck!