Sleeping, waiting, hunting; Black Friday is a bargain hunter’s dream


By Matthew Kawamoto
[email protected]

It’s that time of year again. The time when we are finally able to spend our immense wealth on the important things in life. Yes, it’s time for Black Friday. We wait for this moment every year to get our hands on life-saving devices like televisions, laptops and a whole new furniture set.

The whole reason we want to buy things now is because we don’t have enough things to throw away later. We need a television in every room. The living room, the dining room, the kitchen, all the bedrooms, the hallway and don’t forget the bathroom. As an added benefit, we can all replace that broken down 2-year-old T.V. that was already in the living room. Not only can we get the better television, it lets us give back to the community by dumping all our old electronics for the homeless to use. How kind of us to do so.

Let’s not forget the benefits of just waiting for the sale three days in advance. It tests our endurance to the cold, the hunger and the unbelievably large crowd of those who wait with us. It’s like camping in the woods. You get to sing songs, huddle together for heat, eat that chocolate bar you found in your pocket and take comfort in the fact that you are ahead of some 300 other people. Little do many people know that they should never fall asleep. If you do, pray you don’t become the target of those who would steal your only chocolate bar, blankets or your old phone that you will most definitely replace once you get inside the store.

Black Friday sales really follow the theory of social Darwinism: if you’re not strong enough to push that large woman aside for that blender, you get run over by the stronger ones. If you can, great; you just got a blender that only cost you $3 and the broken arm of the person you stepped on. It was worth it. You can proudly say you got a blender you probably won’t even use because you just thought it looked cool and you already have one.

After you come home with the hundreds of dollars of cheap, life saving supplies, you must now find a place to put them. Luckily for you, you happen to have a pile of nine other blenders in the corner of your pantry. Now you have a round 10 of them! Score! As for the televisions (which only cost you $300 per), you can place them wherever you want, as long as you make sure to buy those $5 extension cords so that you can place them an extra 10 feet from the outlet. If you were really lucky, you made sure to buy the mounting television stand. All you have to do now is use your brand new drill and install it!

For your average middle-class family, this would only set you back another two years of work. Just imagine what next year’s Black Friday sale will bring. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to finally buy that new furniture set you saw. Too bad you couldn’t get past that large woman; if only there was someone to step on.